sorry seems to be the hardest word
by melinda08
Summary: AU ending to I'll be seeing you. After their bitter fight and all the hurtful words they'd said to each other, Sam comes to realize there was one last little thing that needed to be said after all.
1. Chapter 1

Sam had never felt so low, so terrible, so..._miserable _as he did the moment he opened the portrait. Yes, it was Diane. Definitely Diane.

There had been things said, so many hurtful words exchanged that Sam knew there was no going back, even if he wanted to. He'd tried his best, and he'd changed for her, and she couldn't even see that. He'd went from a self-pronounced ladies' man to a one woman man, and heaven knew the road hadn't been easy for him. He learned to fight, sometimes-okay a lot- he was fighting with the woman he loved, but he also learned how to fight for the woman he loved.

But after tonight, he had no more fight left in him.

He was tired, and just wanted to go on with his life.

More importantly, he wanted to go back in time, do himself a favor and save himself from all the pain that loving one woman had caused him. Maybe he wasn't the smartest of guys, but he tried hard. His friends loved him and accepted him for who he was. Why couldn't Diane have done the same thing for him?

Yes, she was stubborn, indignant (whatever that meant), set in her ways, and hard to handle. But for the most part, Sam truly felt like he'd given her the best of him.

Now he was left with what was left, and he wasn't so sure that he liked what he saw.

Why, why, why did she have to make things so difficult? Love wasn't supposed to be like this. It was about flowers, dinner, a nice night maybe at a hotel, maybe breakfast. It wasn't supposed to be name-calling, insulting, defiance, no trust whatsoever. And that's what it all boiled down to.

Diane hadn't trusted or respected him enough to abide by his wishes, as irrational as they might have been.

She sure as hell could ask the world of him, but all he had done really, in the grand scheme of things, shouldn't have been a big deal. But true to fashion, Diane had taken a simple request and blown it up to horrible proportions.

Why couldn't she see that he had tried, as hard as he had ever tried anything before in his life?

Giving up alcohol and the ladies, now it seemed, had been the easy part. Forgetting Diane- that would be impossible.

But he had to do it. Sometimes you just can't unsay something that's been said, even if you really wanted to. They'd hurt each other badly, and there just wasn't anything left in him to fight with anymore.

He looked at the portrait one last time before setting it aside, facing away from him, in his office. He'd know what to do with it in the morning. Somehow burning it seemed most appropriate.

Yet there was this little feeling that nagged at him, one he wasn't even capable of describing. It was like when he was a kid and his parents always bragged about how good Derek was, and said nothing about Sam. He had tried, was a pretty good kid, but no matter what, he always felt like something was wrong with him, like he wasn't quite good enough, like no matter what he did, he just would never be able to live up to all those expectations were.

Why, it occurred to him, was he thinking of Derek and his past when he should still be dwelling on things that went wrong with Diane?

So he decided to go for a drive. Even though Diane had always teased him about his total lack of insight, something occurred to him that he'd never thought of before. Maybe-just maybe- being with Diane kind of felt like being around Derek all over again.

No, he shook his head. That would be too...what was the word- weird? But it kind of made sense to him. The constant competition, the need to control when he felt like everything around him was messed up, the hating all the expectations that she'd put upon him all their time together.

Before he knew it, he found himself driving the very familiar path to Diane's door.

But, unlike Derek or with his parents, Sam knew Diane did one thing differently. She loved him, no matter what his faults were. She fought for him. She believed in him.

Just like a kid opening his presents on Christmas morning, Sam felt extremely nervous and excited, wanting to share with Diane what he'd just come to realize about himself, and more importantly, about their relationship.

0000

When she opened the door, it was obvious to him she'd been crying. Drinking, yes. But crying.

He felt like dirt. Less than dirt.

"What do you want, Sam?" Diane sighed wearily. "If you've come to argue with me, you're wasting your time. I have nothing left inside of me which I can argue with. Your best bet would be to turn around. That's what I would do if I were you."

Something about her voice- the fact that she'd apparently really and truly given up on them, saddened him more than he knew was possible.

He knew what he had to say. There was only one thing he could say. But somehow, despite thinking it was his most brilliant idea ever on the way there, Sam was finding it next to impossible to say the only words that he could say.

She looked at him, then started to shut the door.

"Diane," he put his hand in the doorway. "I'm...I'm sorry."

Not sure if it was the alcohol, the emotional or physical exhaustion causing her to hear what she thought she heard, she very slowly opened the door. "What did you say?"

"Something I should have said a long time ago. I don't know why I can't say it, why I don't say it...but I just have to."

"No, it's okay, you don't..."

"Diane! Don't you see? I have to say it...I owe it to you, and I owe it to myself. I hurt you, and for that, I am sorry. I know you don't ever want to see me again, but there, I said it."

He looked down, afraid of her reaction, of her laughing or mocking his weakness. But what she did surprised even him. She took his hand, and though they said nothing all night, they held hands, with her resting her head on his shoulder on the couch.

He didn't know how or why, but he knew the game had changed.

Now he was, more than ever, looking forward to the future that he'd thought too good for him. He knew that for better or for worse, Diane was the woman he would spend the rest of his life with. And that was one time he really, truly was not the least bit sorry.

The end


	2. Chapter 2

When Sam woke up, with Diane still leaning on his shoulder as she had apparently been doing all night long, he realized one thing- he hadn't been there to open Cheers for the day. No matter. Norm had a key, and he was sure that things would be okay there, anyhow. Bartending was how he made his livelihood; what he was doing there, on Diane's couch, was fighting for his life. For their life together. And in the grand scheme of things, that somehow seemed just a bit more important.

He could feel her start to stir. "Diane...you awake?"

"Mmm...what time is it, Sam?"

"Do you really want to know?"

Pulling the blanket, which he'd placed ever so lovingly over her during the night, back around her shoulders, Diane shrugged. It had always made him smile when she wrapped herself in a blanket. It could be 90 degrees out, but Diane, much like a little, innocent girl, always had needed her blanket. It seemed to him that it was her cocoon, her safe place when the rest of the world- himself included- got to be just a little too much.

"You hungry, sweetheart? I'm no gourmet cook or whatever, but if you have eggs and a bit of milk, I'm sure I can fix us up a little something," Sam offered.

"Ugh," Diane moaned. "I don't want to think about food. Ever again."

He had to smile. Apparently she was still feeling the effects of the alcohol, which in and of itself wasn't funny. But just knowing how Diane-unlike his bar regulars, couldn't handle her drinks very well, was kind of quaint and charming in its own way. "Okay, Diane. I'll just stay here, that is, if you still want me to be here."

All wrapped up in her blanket, she pulled herself even closer to him, without making eye contact. "Why are you here, Sam?" Her voice, still quite drowsy, nearly broke his heart. It had taken all of his strength to bring himself to her door, and she couldn't remember? Oh Lord, did that mean he would have to apologize all over again?

"You let me in, remember? It was late, and I...I guess I couldn't sleep knowing...just knowing," he sighed.

As she rubbed her eyes, one thought occurred to her. "Cheers...don't you have to open it up?"

"Cheers will wait. You can't."

Now she looked at him, and if he didn't know any better, a small smile spread across his face. "You mean...you're putting me above Cheers?"

"Us," Sam corrected her. "I'm putting us above Cheers. I guess that sounds stupid. I don't know..."

Now Diane contentedly rested her head against his broad shoulder. "That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Sam."

"It...it's the least I can do. I guess I said some pretty bad things last night..."

"Ssh...let's not talk about that now. You're here now, and that's all that matters, right?" She smiled, and when she looked at him, she saw not the relieved Sam she'd expected to see, but one rather deep in thought.

"What's wrong, Sam? Have I said something..."

"No, Diane. I guess I'm just tired..."

She studied him closely. "You haven't been to sleep all night, have you?"

He shook his head. "Diane, there's some things I need to say to you, and it won't be easy. Part of me is afraid you're going to make fun of me, laugh at me...but I guess I would deserve it, right?"

Lovingly caressing his cheek with her soft, feminine hand, she encouraged him to go on. "It's okay, Sam. It's me."

He thought about what he wanted to say for a long time. "You remember how we got together, right?"

"I know for you it started the moment I walked into your little establishment," she gently teased.

"What?"

"Nothing. Go on, Sam."

"It was when Derek came to town."

"Your brother?" she pulled back. "What's he got to do with anything?"

He leaned forward. "When I saw you two together, I hated him more than I ever hated everyone. All my life, my parents always reminded me how good Derek was, how he would be successful, while the best I could do-on a good day- on my grade card was a C. It was like everything came easily for him, while anything I've ever gotten, I've had to fight for. Really fight for," Sam emphasized.

Diane didn't say anything.

"I could have lived with that, but when you told me you were going off with him...you remember me muttering under my breath?"

Diane smiled. "I thought I had heard you say something. What'd you say to me, anyways?"

"I don't know. I think I said something like, don't go. Stay with me. Something like that."

Now she grinned in earnest, and she kissed him on the cheek.

"What was that for?" Sam asked, a bit confused.

"I said something under my breath, if you remember right. I said, I'd rather stay with you."

They looked at each other, and they both broke out into laughter.

"Diane, when I'm with you...it's like being around Derek all over again."

She pulled away and started to pout.

"No, sweetheart, don't go. Not now. I'm trying to be honest with you, isn't that what you've always asked of me?"

She thought about it, and returned to his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Sam. I know this can't be easy for you. Go on. I make you feel like when you were around Derek..."

"Don't you see...you're the good one, the perfect one, the one who has the world at your feet? You can have anything you ever wanted, do anything you want to do, be anyone you want to be...and for the life of me most of the time...all of the time really, I can't figure out why you'd want a clown like me! It feels like you're...like you're settling!" There. Sam let it out. His biggest fears, what had been holding him back from truly committing to Diane, was out on the table.

What she did next really surprised him. "I want you, Sam. You think I'm perfect? How many classes at the university did I start, and what good did any of them do to me? I work for you, for crying out loud!"

He wanted to get mad, but when he saw the delightful way she was laughing, looking at him, Sam couldn't help but break into smile as well. "I guess so."

"Things aren't easy for me either. Relationships- as you might have figured out, I don't know the first thing about them, for all of the books I've read on them. I know I love you, and I know, more than that, you love me. What else is there to know?" Diane smiled adoringly at him.

Sam was so surprised. He'd been fully expecting to hear her mock him, to remind him of his failures, but instead she was being so...so darn nice to him! Suddenly he was at a loss for words. Almost.

"I love you, Diane. That's all I know. You...you make me want to be a better person. Man, that sounds dumb, doesn't it?"

"Those are the sweetest words any man has ever spoken to his love, in all of history," Diane grinned.

"Really?"

She pretended to think about it. "Except for Derek. I think he might have said the same thing once..."

With that, she laughingly took off, and he chased her to her bedroom. When he finally caught up with her, there was no doubt in either of their minds that with each other is where they truly belonged.

The end


End file.
